Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
