I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
