there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize