i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
