and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
