I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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