I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
