I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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