Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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