I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
