I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
