i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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