Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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