I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
