He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
There are leaves in my underwear?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
