I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
