do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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