I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
