YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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