i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
