we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
its liver damage thursday
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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