There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
