those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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