dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
