got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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