Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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