i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
