that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize