well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
