we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
