She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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