I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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