# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
