Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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