so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
