beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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