Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
