I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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