wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
