When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
