Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize