she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
