theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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