I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
