oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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