My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
