At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
