My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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