i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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