my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
