she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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