just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
