I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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