i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
