Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
