I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
